gamma knife

Today is day one out of the three day trip Jacob is going on. I was pretty upset that I wasn't able to join them, but I'm trying to be positive and take this time for myself. Jacob & co. left early this morning, but I was able to sleep in (which was much needed after an especially rousing game of hockey, a drinking game I learned last night). Lesli and I hiked House Mountain in the afternoon. It was my first time. The hike was pretty steep in some areas, but the view was lovely and the weather was nice. My only complaint was some pretty nasty mud! Apparently it rained this morning, unbeknownst to us. Afterwards I took a therapeutic shower and recharged to some 30 Rock. When I felt up to it, I got dressed and ventured to Barnes & Nobles, where I read Bust Magazine and sipped on a green tea frappuccino. I used to do this every week or so my sophomore year of college. I felt awkward and sad, and usually preferred to be alone. This was one of my favorite activities during this time, and I have to admit I still quite enjoy it. Afterwards, I hopped over to Target and bought myself some girly things, new bras and nail polish. This evening I have been bedridden, with the help of some chicken parmesan and George Killian's (also, netflix). All in all, a very good day, by myself.

That being said: I really can't wait for Jacob to be home. The weirdest thing is not having someone to tell all this to. Hey, I hiked a mountain today! I slipped on the only level ground during the whole hike and dinged up my shin, check this sweet bruise! Look at my new cute bra! Etc. And now I will probably fall asleep alone to Futurama. I miss his company, but I'm not going to squander all this time with myself. I've got things to do!

Here's to another good day tomorrow.

P.S. Sunday was spectacular as well: Brunch, bloody mary's, new backpack, new yellow satchel, new bathing suit, new dress, bbq, green bean casserole, and the aforementioned game of hockey. It's really beginning to feel like summer, even though its only March.



Check out how adorable my laptop is now!



Also, my beautiful rat child Tamara.

re:do

Last week was rough, especially at work. Its easy to get worn down by the general public, but I'm feeling better this week. My brother is coming to Knoxville this weekend and I'm very excited. I'm not really sure what to do while he's here, but I know we'll have a great weekend. I found out that Boyd may be gone for the summer, which means I would be living by myself for four months! Kind of freaked out and worried, but trying to be okay with it. Goodnight for now.

Today has been fucking awful.

stuffed

I need to change my eating habits.

Coming soon: A blog about self-improvement.

night time confessions

Having trouble expressing my thoughts, as usual.

Feelings of anxiety and excitement towards the prospect of school again. Being back in the world of academics sounds so gratifying, especially after taking this time off to truly appreciate it. The nagging anxiety comes from financial stresses mixed with, "Is this the right thing? Is this what I want to do FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?" These are unfair questions to ask myself. I honestly don't expect to know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. Basically, I want to be capable of financially supporting myself. I love my job, but I want a career. When I'm honest with myself, I feel pretty good about this route. But its easy to become overwhelmed. Its too soon, its too far away, its too much. One step at a time, I'm going to figure all this out. My life is going to change drastically, but I think it will be good for me.

So I wait, working for my hourly wage and planning my next move. I don't exactly love this place I'm at, but deep down I know its important. Maybe much more than I realize. I want to know that when its time for me to grow up and make these big decisions, I'll be ready. For right now, I need to focus on where I'm at NOW instead of staring dreamily into some shimmering future.

I am happy with my life right now. Truthfully. I have time to figure these things out, and I know I will. I have an incredible, loving, and supportive family who I don't give enough credit. I have a good job. I have.. the friggin best boyfriend. I know that I'm going to be okay, I just have to keep remembering.

I can smell again!

Great news - I'm feeling much better. I can breathe and smell again, and the my usage of Kleenex has decreased dramatically. We're talking at least 2 boxes a week vs. a few tissues a day now. I'm so excited, and I hope it will stay this way. I have another appointment in March where we will do a CT scan to make sure everything's okay with my sinuses (since this happens to me so frequently) and I will also be allergy tested. It feels great to be tackling these health problems when I usually let them slide. I need to figure out how to stay healthy and prevent myself from becoming so sick all the time. Here's to some good antibiotics!

happy birthday-anniversary-valentine's day

Mid-February is the holiday epicenter for me. February 12 is Jacob's birthday, as well as our anniversary. Even though we don't really celebrate Valentine's Day, somehow it still adds to the confusion and chaos as this important weekend approached.

This year for Jacob's 24th and our 2 year anniversary, we took a day-trip to Chattanooga to the Tennessee Aquarium. We had a fantastic day. We stopped on the way down to have a tasty lunch at Cracker Barrel, which made it feel like more of a road trip even though its only an hour and a half away. I must say, my rueben sandwich and chicken & rice soup really hit the spot on this cold Sunday.


Jacob being 24 at Cracker Barrel.

On the drive down we listened to the best radio show ever made, Radiolab. I became so obsessed with this show after I heard it a few times on NPR. Each show is based around a broad theme, like "Memory and Forgetting" or "Loops." They delve into aspects of science, philosophy, and the human experience. We love, love, love it.

Finally in Chattanooga, we began exploring the aquarium. It was beautiful and exciting. I absolutely love aquariums and museums and zoos. We saw all kinds of fish, penguins, butterflies, and jellyfish. My favorite, of course, are all the little turtles!



Afterwards, Jacob bought me this adorable owl tea set that was inexplicably at the Aquarium gift shop. I'm so excited to use it!



Afterwards, we had coffee, birthday dinner, and a few beers. I wish we could celebrate like this every weekend, but I'm glad we were at least do it for these two special occasions. And now, its off to bed where I have chicken pot pie and Valentine's Day candy from my wonderful mom. Good-night.

superstitious

Went to Barnes & Noble with Jacob today. I purchased a beautiful hardback copy of Asterios Polyp and I can't wait to read it. While Jacob was reading his physics and astronomy books, I read an astrology book about Gemini's 2012. It's silly, but I love reading my charts and such. Some things just seem too accurate. I would read Jacob excerpts and even he agreed, though I don't think either of us are actual believers. Reading my 'prediction' made me feel really calm - it was really what I wanted to hear about this year (and of course, this is how astrology book companies stay in business). I hope that this is a good year for me. The path ahead of me is so foreign and I don't know how to handle a lot of the things in front of me. But I hope to figure it all out one step at a time. Money. School. Career. Love. Friendships. And this damn sinus infection (or whatever it is).

Sinus Woes

I've had some pretty bad sinus problems my whole life, but this winter has been one of the worst. I'm not sure if its allergies or if my sinuses just hate me, but I am going to see an ENT specialist in two weeks. I really hope they can help me pinpoint what's going wrong in my body and how I can prevent it. I'm feeling pretty stuffy and gross today. Not so attractive. I can't wait to breathe out of my nose again and to shake this nasty, sick feeling I've had for over two months!



I hate to be so negative, so on the plus side, my room is very clean which feels nice.

Slowly waking up to light rain outside my window... My favorite.

sunny january

I made a spontaneous trip to my parent's house this weekend, and so far, I'm very glad I did.

The drive was boring as usual, but I was able to listen to 3 hours of Radiolab which I can't say I didn't enjoy. I was able to talk to Amanda about everything which really helped. We really need to call each other more often, because every time I come home it seems like something dramatic has happened in our lives and neither of us knew about it. Last night I spent time with my family, and Dad told me about going on Officer Don & the Popeye Club show when he was little. He won a pair of roller skates. Then we watched Arrested Development, which grows funnier with every episode I re-watch.

Today has been lovely. The weather is beautiful. 63 degrees with a light breeze. I'm sitting on the back porch, enjoying the warmth on my skin. I had lunch with Dad at a German restaurant called the Gerst Haus. It was delicious - I am obsessed with sauerkraut and horseradish and all the smoked sausages. Always a good decision.

I'm glad that I'm able to come home when I need to. Sometimes I just need to escape Knoxville for a few days to come back recharged. I know that my lifestyle needs a change there, and I'm hoping to start living in a more productive, satisfying way. It feels like spring already but I'm afraid there's still a few more weeks of winter around the corner. I can't wait 'til its spring.

I'm sorry.

These past few months I've had a lingering sadness. I try to stay busy (or distracted, I should say), but when my mind slows down it creeps in. I look at everything around me and become distressed. I feel that I have lost who I am. That sounds really cliche to me, but its embarrassingly honest. After graduating and being out of school for the first time in my life, combined with being in a relationship for the past two years, I don't know how live my life anymore. I base my schedule around his schedule. I eat what he eats. I've put his happiness over mine, and now I feel that I'm stuck inside of a hole. I want to be out of the hole, but I don't know how to get out. The scariest solution that seeps into my mind is that I must end the very thing that I love in order to be fixed. I simply don't know if I can snap of out my dependency. I'm frightened and I'm terribly sad. Part of me never thought it would be like this, and the other part of me saw it coming the whole time. These feelings have started to turn into thoughts and actions, and the situation is becoming very real. The pit in my stomach makes me concerned that something drastic could happen much sooner than I had expected. I'm hesitant to make plans, even some a few months away. It seems like a week ago everything was "fine," and now today I come clean that I've just been kidding myself the whole time. Everything is not okay, and soon I'm going to have to choose. This really feels more terrible than I had ever imagined. Its like slitting your best friend's throat. This would be so much easier if I hated him.

Well isn't this cute.

A fresh new blog in which I hope to detail some new beginnings in my life.

I've been somewhat of a journaler my whole life, but I have a terrible tendency to abandon blogs and journals when I feel that I'm "done" with them. It makes nostalgia very difficult when you have 10+ different books, xangas, and livejournals to dig through (not to mention locating them in the first place). I'm hoping this blog can satisfy me, at least for a little while, so I may document this bizarre time in my life.

I graduated unexpectedly in May 2011 with my BFA in drawing. I suppose I will discuss that more in-depth later. All this to say, this past year has been a confusing haze. I've had some pretty serious post-grad blues. However, I'm making an effort to figure things out and put some real thought into my future.

Realization #1: I don't want to be an art teacher.
Realization #2: I still want to be a teacher.

9 months of contemplation, people. I have decided to return to UTK to pursue teaching licensure in Elementary Education. Picking up my masters along the way ;P And hopefully growing up a damn good bit.