sunny january

I made a spontaneous trip to my parent's house this weekend, and so far, I'm very glad I did.

The drive was boring as usual, but I was able to listen to 3 hours of Radiolab which I can't say I didn't enjoy. I was able to talk to Amanda about everything which really helped. We really need to call each other more often, because every time I come home it seems like something dramatic has happened in our lives and neither of us knew about it. Last night I spent time with my family, and Dad told me about going on Officer Don & the Popeye Club show when he was little. He won a pair of roller skates. Then we watched Arrested Development, which grows funnier with every episode I re-watch.

Today has been lovely. The weather is beautiful. 63 degrees with a light breeze. I'm sitting on the back porch, enjoying the warmth on my skin. I had lunch with Dad at a German restaurant called the Gerst Haus. It was delicious - I am obsessed with sauerkraut and horseradish and all the smoked sausages. Always a good decision.

I'm glad that I'm able to come home when I need to. Sometimes I just need to escape Knoxville for a few days to come back recharged. I know that my lifestyle needs a change there, and I'm hoping to start living in a more productive, satisfying way. It feels like spring already but I'm afraid there's still a few more weeks of winter around the corner. I can't wait 'til its spring.

I'm sorry.

These past few months I've had a lingering sadness. I try to stay busy (or distracted, I should say), but when my mind slows down it creeps in. I look at everything around me and become distressed. I feel that I have lost who I am. That sounds really cliche to me, but its embarrassingly honest. After graduating and being out of school for the first time in my life, combined with being in a relationship for the past two years, I don't know how live my life anymore. I base my schedule around his schedule. I eat what he eats. I've put his happiness over mine, and now I feel that I'm stuck inside of a hole. I want to be out of the hole, but I don't know how to get out. The scariest solution that seeps into my mind is that I must end the very thing that I love in order to be fixed. I simply don't know if I can snap of out my dependency. I'm frightened and I'm terribly sad. Part of me never thought it would be like this, and the other part of me saw it coming the whole time. These feelings have started to turn into thoughts and actions, and the situation is becoming very real. The pit in my stomach makes me concerned that something drastic could happen much sooner than I had expected. I'm hesitant to make plans, even some a few months away. It seems like a week ago everything was "fine," and now today I come clean that I've just been kidding myself the whole time. Everything is not okay, and soon I'm going to have to choose. This really feels more terrible than I had ever imagined. Its like slitting your best friend's throat. This would be so much easier if I hated him.

Well isn't this cute.

A fresh new blog in which I hope to detail some new beginnings in my life.

I've been somewhat of a journaler my whole life, but I have a terrible tendency to abandon blogs and journals when I feel that I'm "done" with them. It makes nostalgia very difficult when you have 10+ different books, xangas, and livejournals to dig through (not to mention locating them in the first place). I'm hoping this blog can satisfy me, at least for a little while, so I may document this bizarre time in my life.

I graduated unexpectedly in May 2011 with my BFA in drawing. I suppose I will discuss that more in-depth later. All this to say, this past year has been a confusing haze. I've had some pretty serious post-grad blues. However, I'm making an effort to figure things out and put some real thought into my future.

Realization #1: I don't want to be an art teacher.
Realization #2: I still want to be a teacher.

9 months of contemplation, people. I have decided to return to UTK to pursue teaching licensure in Elementary Education. Picking up my masters along the way ;P And hopefully growing up a damn good bit.