I'm sorry.

These past few months I've had a lingering sadness. I try to stay busy (or distracted, I should say), but when my mind slows down it creeps in. I look at everything around me and become distressed. I feel that I have lost who I am. That sounds really cliche to me, but its embarrassingly honest. After graduating and being out of school for the first time in my life, combined with being in a relationship for the past two years, I don't know how live my life anymore. I base my schedule around his schedule. I eat what he eats. I've put his happiness over mine, and now I feel that I'm stuck inside of a hole. I want to be out of the hole, but I don't know how to get out. The scariest solution that seeps into my mind is that I must end the very thing that I love in order to be fixed. I simply don't know if I can snap of out my dependency. I'm frightened and I'm terribly sad. Part of me never thought it would be like this, and the other part of me saw it coming the whole time. These feelings have started to turn into thoughts and actions, and the situation is becoming very real. The pit in my stomach makes me concerned that something drastic could happen much sooner than I had expected. I'm hesitant to make plans, even some a few months away. It seems like a week ago everything was "fine," and now today I come clean that I've just been kidding myself the whole time. Everything is not okay, and soon I'm going to have to choose. This really feels more terrible than I had ever imagined. Its like slitting your best friend's throat. This would be so much easier if I hated him.